Hearts Are Dancing

I haven't been able to bring myself to return to my blog for awhile. Our 2nd IUI resulted with a BFN. Neither my wife nor I really expected it to be positive, but it is incredibly difficult to live with the disappointment of a failed IUI. In my head, there just seem to be so many factors working against us. For one, I am 37, and for another I am overweight.  The doctors said early on, everything looked ok to move forward and did not even put me in the high risk category, but I just couldn't shake that feeling. 

Then, there is the naturally optimistic part of me that chimes in and believes if it wasn't meant to be, I wouldn't have such a strong desire to be a mother.

We began our 3rd round knowing it may very well be our last round due to the cost of our RE at Mayo Clinic, frozen swimmers, medication, etc...I mean, we are teachers after all!

In the past, we had gone in for our ultrasound (follicles measuring around 22-28), were told to take Ovidrel that evening, and return 36 hours later for insemination.  However, this time, my follicles were not measuring as large. In fact, I had 3 smaller follicles measuring in at 17, so they wanted to wait a few days allowing them to grow. We waited a day and a half, took the Ovidrel, and returned 36 hours later for our 3rd and possibly our last IUI.

This time, we decided to try a few things differently. We both wore our newly purchased Pearl Jam t-shirts from the Wrigley Field Concert in Chicago (how could that not be lucky??), elevated my legs and relaxed the majority of our insemination day, and prayed, prayed prayed. Did I mention it was also our niece's 9th birthday? *grin* I have always been a fairly "superstitious" person looking for signs, making wishes, believing there is a greater force at work in the world. In the first 12 days after IUI, I thought so many positive thoughts I was scared to even take an hpt because it would be devastating.

Let me state clearly, the 2ww is one of the most impossible time periods to get through. Every little flicker your body has, any time your don't feel 100%, you worry/wonder, "Is that a good thing? Uh-oh, why does my stomach feel funny?" It's incredibly torturous as the minutes, hours, days seem to pass at a glacier pace.

At 11 days past IUI, we started to question if we should try a test.
What a difficult decision!
On one hand, you could get the great news you've been trying, hoping, and praying for, but on the other hand, it can all come crashing to an end. I think this time was even more difficult to make the decision to test because knew our times of ttc were limited. One thing we knew for sure, this negative would be the hardest to take yet. When neither of us could think of anything BUT taking an hpt, we decided to try it knowing full well that it was early and likely going to flash on the digital hpt "not pregnant."

So, out of the pool and into the bathroom we went...within 1 minute the results were displayed.
Clear as day...pregnant.
A BFP?!? A Big Fat POSITIVE!!
My wife and I screamed in disbelief sending the cat bolting out of the room.  Immediately we had to remind ourselves that it could be a false positive due to the Ovidrel, and let's not forget our dreadful 1st experience with a hpt! I did a little research, learned that it was likely for the Ovidrel to be out of my system after 10 days and we cautiously celebrated!!

We took one more test last night and another this morning--still positive! Here's hoping this is the real deal. Here's hoping this pregnancy sticks. Here's hoping there isn't more than 2 babies in there. And here's hoping our dreams are on their way to becoming real.

Anxiously Waiting

What a historic day today has been! The Supreme Court voted down DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act) and now those of us who are fortunate enough to live in states where same sex marriage is legal, will also be recognized by the federal government.
Victory!
Love wins!
Hopefully the good vibes will spread right on through us. Tomorrow we head back to Mayo for our ultrasound to see if my follicles have been hard at work and growing! This will be the beginning of our 2nd round of IUI. Fingers and toes are crossed that all goes well.

Is this all normal?

Greetings empty page. You may not know this, but next to my wife, you will become my new best friend. I plan to use to vent, rant, worry, laugh, cry, and any other one of the million emotions and feelings I seem to have flowing through me. Today, it just so happens to be worry.

I made the gargantuan mistake of watching a show on TLC this morning called "Obese & Expecting."
Worst idea ever.
But I was already crying from my first time of discovering the show "A Baby Story" and I was all woo-wooey and giddy about the prospect of us having our very own bundle of joy. So, back to "Obese & Expecting"...First of all, one of these women weighed less that I do when she first became pregnant. Our RE doctor told me it would be best to get down to 200lbs before trying to get pregnant. Almost a year went by, and I still remained at 240lbs, so we moved forward given the age clock was getting louder. One of the women on the show could not do anything by herself. She couldn't shower, dress, drive, ANYTHING because she was so swollen from retaining water. One of the gals had diabetes and was concerned that the baby was going to be insulin dependent. To top it off several of the women had to have c-sections due to their weight, and it was not pretty. The doctors were very clear that the depth of the fat tissue they had to cut through on obese was women was very high risk and dangerous for the mother as well as the baby. So, as I watched the entire 60 minute program, my mouth gaped open and horrible thoughts began running though my head. Am I even going to be able to get pregnant? Will I have miscarriages like my mom? Are we going to go into so much debt simply TTC? What if the baby has health problems? What if we have multiples?!?

I certainly hope all of this worry and doubt is typical because we have only just begun. We just started round #2, and from many of the other blogs I've read it often takes people a year or more before conceiving. For now, for tonight, I will roll over, kiss my wife, and try to put the worry out of my mind and my faith...I'll put my faith in the process.

Yep, I would say that's pretty accurate today. 

And So We Begin

I intend on going back to edit this with more details once I get the hang of how to do this, but for now I am just going to get out my first entry.

About one month ago my partner J and I began our first round of IUI. Because of my age (37), our doctor felt our best shot would be with Clomid, Ovidrel, and Progesterone. So, after much research and deliberation, we chose our donor with the hopes that his swimmers would help us reach our goal of adding a happy face to our family.
Waiting 2 weeks after insemination to take our first hpt seemed like a lifetime. Every little movement my body made, I was excited and concerned. The first few days, I thought I felt changes in my body--especially the tenderness of my breasts--but after a few days it subsided and I felt it no longer. Because there is only a 30% of success, I remained logical and knew although there was a chance, it was a small chance. On the morning of day 14, at 3am, we took our first test. Much to our surprise the test was positive! Say what?!? Tears of joy ran down both our faces and we immediately began thinking of how our lives were going to change. We couldn't believe how lucky were were! Then about 6 hours later, it dawned on us that we should maybe take another test to be sure--just as a formality. We took the test and a Big Fat Negative (BFN) glared back at us. Out of shock and frustration, we immediately took two more tests which also resulted in a negative. Confused and frustrated, we called our nurse who sent us in for a blood test. We waited on pins and needles the next 12 hours for the results asking questions like, "How could it be positive and then not?" "If it was going to be negative, why couldn't it have just been negative from the start?" "Maybe it is positive...maybe the negative tests were just 'watered down'." We received the blood test results and there were only traces of HCG in my blood which they then concluded our pregnancy was negative.
I stopped taking progesterone and awaited my lady parts to get back in sync. I'm now on Day 3 of my cycle and have started taking Clomid again. Next week we will go in for an ultrasound to see how the follicles are looking.  So for now, it's positive thoughts and lots of hope and faith that what is meant to be, will be.